a little patience!
I am going to be very genneral here because I am trying not to make waves or breeth my sigh of relif too heavily and end up blowing the flame out. As Gods little Christmas gift to me he has taught me a valuable lesson. I thought that I had lost something actually someone... a really good friend. and I hated the idea of that. Today that person came back to me... in a sense and well... I'm just so happy! ... I guess with Gods will ... and a little patience .. everything has it's way of working out!...
I have also learned patience in my day to day life is needed more. I am a bit of a hot head. I get mad or act with out really thinking it through. just thinking about my hurt or my feelings of fairness that I lose sight of whats important. I need to be more open hearted and have more love. I'm ready to go face the world with my new attitude! I just pray that I can hold on to this lesson and grow!
xo
Juls
PS- I want to leave with a poem...
The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.
I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.
-- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.
-Elizabeth Bishop
In the movie "In Her Shoes" she reads this poem and says it's not about losing a guy or someone you are in a relationship with its about losing more. Its about losing a friend. I have lost too many good friends in my day very very different reasons. I have even written of some I believe but those of you who have ever lost and then found a really good friend you know exactlly what I mean!
Friday, December 24, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Bobby is my man!
Don't Worry!!
All is well and I am happy!! I just realized how emo my last post was! I'm not emo just fyi! here is my new song!
All is well and I am happy!! I just realized how emo my last post was! I'm not emo just fyi! here is my new song!
Please Remember Me
You know it's been almost 3 weeks since I last talked to him. And while I feel still very much like the song in my last post I heard this one today and it touched me deeply. It's called Please Remember Me
Since no one actually reads my blog I don't mind spilling out my guts! I act all cool and tough around my friends.. I think mostly cause they all have enough on their plates with out me needing to spill out my nonsense on them. Especially becuase there is nothing they can do. but since I don't have anyone to just moan and groan to ... I'll moan and groan to this empty piece of cyber space!
The thing is... I miss him like crazy. I miss his funny flirty texts. I miss his smile. I miss our funny inside jokes. I hate that it had to be so complicated. I hate that he didn't love me enough to get rid of all the complications. but most of all I hate the idea that all the time we spend together and all the treasured memories are going to be forgotten by him. I hate to think that the time we spent together.. the perfect little dates when we would go to the movies and I would wear a skirt and shave my legs to insure he would rub on them and the day we went to the lake in the middle of who knows where and he held me with my legs around his waist as we spent hours just talking. I really will miss the talks and most recently when we went to the concert at the Buda bull riding fair and first when we were watching bull riding and he (causes he's liek 2 feet taller than me) stood behind me with his arms on the poles on both sides of me. and then while waiting for the concert he layed on the ground outside on the grass and pulled me onto his chest to lay down... sigh... I remember being in that minuet and not being able to think of a problem in the world. I didn't care about all the drama or anything at all.
Where am I going with all this? I'm sad. not all the time just when I hear a song like this that can bring me down. Just when think about how i will feel if he ever forgot about all this. One time before we were stopping talking and in an email to me he said " If its any consolation, even though you made me mad alot im still glad I got to meet you. You have an interesting personality and I think you're a sexy little woman, I just wish we could have gotten along better. I do appreciate the things you did for me, especially being the first person to really speak to me. You helped me break out of my shell a little and i'll always be grateful for that." I have to wonder if he really meant that. He sent it four years ago so I doubt it.
Anyway... I think I'm moving forward and I need to stop blogging about my past. Stephen If you ever stumble on thins blog I want you to know that I love you I didn't mean when I said I don't and I really wish you the best in life! I hope you check back in with me someday in the future so I can see how you are doing!!!
Okay I'm done... to end my rant I'm torn between these two songs: I'm movin on and Goodbye my lover
either way... kinda the same point! goodbye Fernando! let the numbness return! :-/
Since no one actually reads my blog I don't mind spilling out my guts! I act all cool and tough around my friends.. I think mostly cause they all have enough on their plates with out me needing to spill out my nonsense on them. Especially becuase there is nothing they can do. but since I don't have anyone to just moan and groan to ... I'll moan and groan to this empty piece of cyber space!
The thing is... I miss him like crazy. I miss his funny flirty texts. I miss his smile. I miss our funny inside jokes. I hate that it had to be so complicated. I hate that he didn't love me enough to get rid of all the complications. but most of all I hate the idea that all the time we spend together and all the treasured memories are going to be forgotten by him. I hate to think that the time we spent together.. the perfect little dates when we would go to the movies and I would wear a skirt and shave my legs to insure he would rub on them and the day we went to the lake in the middle of who knows where and he held me with my legs around his waist as we spent hours just talking. I really will miss the talks and most recently when we went to the concert at the Buda bull riding fair and first when we were watching bull riding and he (causes he's liek 2 feet taller than me) stood behind me with his arms on the poles on both sides of me. and then while waiting for the concert he layed on the ground outside on the grass and pulled me onto his chest to lay down... sigh... I remember being in that minuet and not being able to think of a problem in the world. I didn't care about all the drama or anything at all.
Where am I going with all this? I'm sad. not all the time just when I hear a song like this that can bring me down. Just when think about how i will feel if he ever forgot about all this. One time before we were stopping talking and in an email to me he said " If its any consolation, even though you made me mad alot im still glad I got to meet you. You have an interesting personality and I think you're a sexy little woman, I just wish we could have gotten along better. I do appreciate the things you did for me, especially being the first person to really speak to me. You helped me break out of my shell a little and i'll always be grateful for that." I have to wonder if he really meant that. He sent it four years ago so I doubt it.
Anyway... I think I'm moving forward and I need to stop blogging about my past. Stephen If you ever stumble on thins blog I want you to know that I love you I didn't mean when I said I don't and I really wish you the best in life! I hope you check back in with me someday in the future so I can see how you are doing!!!
Okay I'm done... to end my rant I'm torn between these two songs: I'm movin on and Goodbye my lover
either way... kinda the same point! goodbye Fernando! let the numbness return! :-/
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
My theme song today!
Where I Stood (Here)
I had a guy in my life. I really liked him. I think I even loved him. But the drama strangled out the good. The good fruit that our friendship/dating relationship-ish thing (that's how complicated it is I can't even define it) use to be has been strangled out by all the fights and lies and drama. I guess I always had a voice telling me to walk away but I couldn't because it was like a drug. Not just the time I spent with him, which was amazing, but the texting constantly and the boost to my self esteem that he gave me. It was all one huge addicting package! but the drama that happened over this Thanksgiving Holiday was pretty much the last straw. I realized that My energy needs to be spent on giving my whole heart to someone not defending myself in every little fight. I needed to walk away this time. It feels so much more amazing than it did before. I pray he is happy and life treats him kind. I still love him for who he is I just can't spend anymore love on him. I have nothing left to give. But I'm happy!! I pray he is too!!
Anyway that song (above) came on my Pandora and I was life DANG! this is my song!!! because part of my reason in leaving is to figure out who I am not in love with this man. Cause I have been in love with him for 5 years now. I need to find out who I am... YAY!! I'm really excited!!! wish me luck!
Where I Stood (Here)
I had a guy in my life. I really liked him. I think I even loved him. But the drama strangled out the good. The good fruit that our friendship/dating relationship-ish thing (that's how complicated it is I can't even define it) use to be has been strangled out by all the fights and lies and drama. I guess I always had a voice telling me to walk away but I couldn't because it was like a drug. Not just the time I spent with him, which was amazing, but the texting constantly and the boost to my self esteem that he gave me. It was all one huge addicting package! but the drama that happened over this Thanksgiving Holiday was pretty much the last straw. I realized that My energy needs to be spent on giving my whole heart to someone not defending myself in every little fight. I needed to walk away this time. It feels so much more amazing than it did before. I pray he is happy and life treats him kind. I still love him for who he is I just can't spend anymore love on him. I have nothing left to give. But I'm happy!! I pray he is too!!
Anyway that song (above) came on my Pandora and I was life DANG! this is my song!!! because part of my reason in leaving is to figure out who I am not in love with this man. Cause I have been in love with him for 5 years now. I need to find out who I am... YAY!! I'm really excited!!! wish me luck!
Friday, October 29, 2010
Is being Mormon an Ethnicity?
So I was real amazed the other day in my Sociology class... It made me laugh cause she was talking about ethnicity and she listed things that a group must be to be it's own ethnicity (ethnicity if different than race it's more about culture) as I am ready this check list it occurs to me that Mormons are an ethnicity! lol... Here's what it said:
Ethnicity: A collection of people distinguished primarily on the basis of a culture or nationally characteristics.
- An Ethnicity has 5 main characteristics
-Unique Cultural traits
-a sense of community
-Feeling of Ethnocentrism
-Ascribed membership
-Territory
So she went into depth on each of these characteristics. (this is the funny part)
-Unique Cultural traits: she defines this as Language, customs or holidays that they share different from others. I first thought wow we have Pioneer day, We have Church History day April 6, the anniversary of the founding of the LDS church and some of us even celebrate May 15, which was when John the Baptist's visited Joseph Smith. Do we also have our own language that we use? Things that come to mind would be; born under the covenant, Book of Mormon, branch, Celestial, Terrestrial, Telestrial kingdoms, Callings, First Vision, Gold plates... etc... There are hundreds and thousands of words we use that other people have either never heard or are also used in a different context then what the world knows it as. I think to some to hear "born under the covenant" would make people think were practicing some type of witch craft that allows people to be born into our clan or born a witch... lol... This also can apply to customs we have. We have customs coming out our ying-yangs! We have things like just the 3 hr. long church or the customs for a teacher to ask if someone has questions throughout our lessons and for us to all be so interactive. We have a custom that on the first Sunday of the month we fast and donate a fast offering. We also have two general conferences and two stake conferences and two ward conferences a year. We also have young woman's camp and scout camps etc... I think if nothing else we have unique customs.
I think this next one goes with out too much explaining a sense of community is what the people that just come to church with you for a day or a neighbor that knows you well but isn't a member will notice right off the bat.She defines the sense of community as the bond with others. Whether your Relief Society President comes over with food when your sick or you find a network of friends that you hang out with our sense of community is one of the strongest part of our ethnicity as Mormons!
Feeling of Ethnocentrism is defined as your pride for your heritage. As Mormons are we proud of our heritage? I would say we are. We even have a holidays to celebrate our heritage. Then you have those people who's family line dates back to Joseph Smith and I can attest they are VERY PROUD of their heritage as well. But, overall as a people we are proud of our religion. We are proud also of our culture.We even have funny songs that make it clear how proud we are of our religion (here song here) I would say as a whole we are very Ethnocentric.
Ascribed Membership by my teachers definition is that it is when you can be born into a group basically but you come to a point when you have to actually ascribe to it. You have to choose to belong to that group but rarely do those who were born into that group choose to leave. Now I realize that we all know people who were born Mormon but are now no longer practicing or have fallen away but of those many still consider themselves "Mormon" they still ascribe to the upbringing they had. There is However many that don't feel they are Mormon at all, they have left the religion and they are living a life completely separate from the church. This can happen in any Ethnicity. Consider those who are born Hispanic and move to another country and completely adapt their culture. It probably happens more to LDS members but it, I would say, is still an ascribed membership.
Territoriality isn't just where we put up churches but it's where a large population of the Ethnicity come together. We come together in may places but the most saturated number of members are usually found around where we have temples built. Then the mother ship would have to be Salt Lake City of course.
With all this being said, I think that we should have a little box on forms when asked Ethnicity where we could select LDS!!!
Ethnicity: A collection of people distinguished primarily on the basis of a culture or nationally characteristics.
- An Ethnicity has 5 main characteristics
-Unique Cultural traits
-a sense of community
-Feeling of Ethnocentrism
-Ascribed membership
-Territory
So she went into depth on each of these characteristics. (this is the funny part)
-Unique Cultural traits: she defines this as Language, customs or holidays that they share different from others. I first thought wow we have Pioneer day, We have Church History day April 6, the anniversary of the founding of the LDS church and some of us even celebrate May 15, which was when John the Baptist's visited Joseph Smith. Do we also have our own language that we use? Things that come to mind would be; born under the covenant, Book of Mormon, branch, Celestial, Terrestrial, Telestrial kingdoms, Callings, First Vision, Gold plates... etc... There are hundreds and thousands of words we use that other people have either never heard or are also used in a different context then what the world knows it as. I think to some to hear "born under the covenant" would make people think were practicing some type of witch craft that allows people to be born into our clan or born a witch... lol... This also can apply to customs we have. We have customs coming out our ying-yangs! We have things like just the 3 hr. long church or the customs for a teacher to ask if someone has questions throughout our lessons and for us to all be so interactive. We have a custom that on the first Sunday of the month we fast and donate a fast offering. We also have two general conferences and two stake conferences and two ward conferences a year. We also have young woman's camp and scout camps etc... I think if nothing else we have unique customs.
I think this next one goes with out too much explaining a sense of community is what the people that just come to church with you for a day or a neighbor that knows you well but isn't a member will notice right off the bat.She defines the sense of community as the bond with others. Whether your Relief Society President comes over with food when your sick or you find a network of friends that you hang out with our sense of community is one of the strongest part of our ethnicity as Mormons!
Feeling of Ethnocentrism is defined as your pride for your heritage. As Mormons are we proud of our heritage? I would say we are. We even have a holidays to celebrate our heritage. Then you have those people who's family line dates back to Joseph Smith and I can attest they are VERY PROUD of their heritage as well. But, overall as a people we are proud of our religion. We are proud also of our culture.We even have funny songs that make it clear how proud we are of our religion (here song here) I would say as a whole we are very Ethnocentric.
Ascribed Membership by my teachers definition is that it is when you can be born into a group basically but you come to a point when you have to actually ascribe to it. You have to choose to belong to that group but rarely do those who were born into that group choose to leave. Now I realize that we all know people who were born Mormon but are now no longer practicing or have fallen away but of those many still consider themselves "Mormon" they still ascribe to the upbringing they had. There is However many that don't feel they are Mormon at all, they have left the religion and they are living a life completely separate from the church. This can happen in any Ethnicity. Consider those who are born Hispanic and move to another country and completely adapt their culture. It probably happens more to LDS members but it, I would say, is still an ascribed membership.
Territoriality isn't just where we put up churches but it's where a large population of the Ethnicity come together. We come together in may places but the most saturated number of members are usually found around where we have temples built. Then the mother ship would have to be Salt Lake City of course.
With all this being said, I think that we should have a little box on forms when asked Ethnicity where we could select LDS!!!
Monday, October 25, 2010
Only an Aunt
Only an Aunt...
can give hugs
like a mother,
can keep secrets
like a sister,
and share love like a friend."
Author: unknown
I am not married, which is cool with me ... for now... I am happy... I have some great kids... My eldest Nephew is named Ross... He is an awesome and very funny kid he is all grown up and lives in North Carolina now... Then his brother Michael (named after my dad) is also an amazing kid, he's very funny also they both take after his mother my half sister Terry. She lives in Kingwood (Houston area).
The Next family is my brother Justin's family. They are the only one that lives more than 60 miles away. They live in Iowa with his Wife Mindee... My babies names are Kaylee (eldest niece) Kayden, Jake, Adam, and Joshie. It makes me sad cause I never get to see them all that much really. I don't get to know the kids as much as I do the other ones but I hope that changes some day.
Then my next eldest brother is Josh he married Erica who he met on his mission in Louisiana. They have had 4 kids. first was Joshua Layne (he passed away at birth) then we had Richard Jay .. He is one of the loves of my life. I love this kid. He is silly and serious (just like his dad) He also is like his mom I have found (a perfectionist) Then there is my princess Cora. She is an amazing little girl. She has so much energy and loves attention. (Just like her dad) she is also my cuddle bug she can curl up on my lap, stick her hand in my arm pit, and can stay there for an hour or more. Then my sweet sweet sweet little Carson Douglass (Douglass after my step uncle Doug that passed away right before carson was born). This baby has always been soooo sweet! he has always loved to cuddle and give hugs and kisses. he is also sooo funny, and boyish... he is just one of the sweetest babies ever.
Then we have Jeb's precious babies. Jeb is married to Jennifer Ashley who the two together have made some of the most adorable kids! Zoe she is just almost 3 and has the cutest sassy attitude ever. She also I have found loves to shop just like me. I can picture in 10 years her me and cora taking trips to the mall and hangin out, talking about boys! She is so funny too... Then Sweet baby Dax Julian, he was just born a few months ago and is already addicted to Football. he is the funniest little fat boy! lol...
Then we have mr. Aaden James ... he is sooooo funny!! he is Judy (my sister) and Kevin's son. He is sooo cute with his OCD-ness. He throws a fit if he can't help his dad take out the trash he loves to sweep and organize things. He knows when stuff is out of order it's sooo funny!!
These are my babies! I love them all sooooo much so it's easy to see that with them my life is pretty full. I love that I have most of them so close. I love that they are around me whenever I want. I know that even if I never get married and have kids my life is going to be so rich and fulfilled!!!
can give hugs
like a mother,
can keep secrets
like a sister,
and share love like a friend."
Author: unknown
I am not married, which is cool with me ... for now... I am happy... I have some great kids... My eldest Nephew is named Ross... He is an awesome and very funny kid he is all grown up and lives in North Carolina now... Then his brother Michael (named after my dad) is also an amazing kid, he's very funny also they both take after his mother my half sister Terry. She lives in Kingwood (Houston area).
The Next family is my brother Justin's family. They are the only one that lives more than 60 miles away. They live in Iowa with his Wife Mindee... My babies names are Kaylee (eldest niece) Kayden, Jake, Adam, and Joshie. It makes me sad cause I never get to see them all that much really. I don't get to know the kids as much as I do the other ones but I hope that changes some day.
Then my next eldest brother is Josh he married Erica who he met on his mission in Louisiana. They have had 4 kids. first was Joshua Layne (he passed away at birth) then we had Richard Jay .. He is one of the loves of my life. I love this kid. He is silly and serious (just like his dad) He also is like his mom I have found (a perfectionist) Then there is my princess Cora. She is an amazing little girl. She has so much energy and loves attention. (Just like her dad) she is also my cuddle bug she can curl up on my lap, stick her hand in my arm pit, and can stay there for an hour or more. Then my sweet sweet sweet little Carson Douglass (Douglass after my step uncle Doug that passed away right before carson was born). This baby has always been soooo sweet! he has always loved to cuddle and give hugs and kisses. he is also sooo funny, and boyish... he is just one of the sweetest babies ever.
Then we have Jeb's precious babies. Jeb is married to Jennifer Ashley who the two together have made some of the most adorable kids! Zoe she is just almost 3 and has the cutest sassy attitude ever. She also I have found loves to shop just like me. I can picture in 10 years her me and cora taking trips to the mall and hangin out, talking about boys! She is so funny too... Then Sweet baby Dax Julian, he was just born a few months ago and is already addicted to Football. he is the funniest little fat boy! lol...
Then we have mr. Aaden James ... he is sooooo funny!! he is Judy (my sister) and Kevin's son. He is sooo cute with his OCD-ness. He throws a fit if he can't help his dad take out the trash he loves to sweep and organize things. He knows when stuff is out of order it's sooo funny!!
These are my babies! I love them all sooooo much so it's easy to see that with them my life is pretty full. I love that I have most of them so close. I love that they are around me whenever I want. I know that even if I never get married and have kids my life is going to be so rich and fulfilled!!!
Standing in the Fire vs. out
If you have never heard the song Standing outside the fire listen to it here before you read my blog.
I have a good friend who is going through something simular to things I have gone through. However, I think her situation is maybe even harder because I am use to dancing in the flames and she is an out side the fire kind of girl. I think there is something to be said for each of these types of people. I think that those who do live outside the fire find it better that way. They see that less heartbreak is easier and I agree to some extent. I however suppose that being crushed to a point that is unbearable is perhaps better than never at all. I think that falling in love over and over is a part of life. It sucks, it's hard and it can break you like you have never been broken. but I also believe in opposition. I believe that in order to experience GREAT LOVE you have to first experience GREAT HEARTACHE !! ... I truly believe that had I not gone through the many heartbreaks then there would be no room in my heart to truly love the man that I will someday love. I think falling in love and loosing love is a process of stretching your heart out like a pair of shoes. The more stretching the more room for a stronger, deeper, bigger more amazing love than those who never get burned before settling down. To my broken hearted friend I want to say to hold on. Some day you will find a love that will not only fill the hole in your heart but will stretch it far beyond and you will feel more for that person than you do now feel from the one who has gotten away from you.
I read this quote today (below).. I think it applies to all things in life not just love, just like with the song standing outside the fire. For me I dare to stand in the middle of the fire for love, friendship, work, school all things that matter I take risks and I believe I'm a better person for it:-)
"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back."
-unknown
I have a good friend who is going through something simular to things I have gone through. However, I think her situation is maybe even harder because I am use to dancing in the flames and she is an out side the fire kind of girl. I think there is something to be said for each of these types of people. I think that those who do live outside the fire find it better that way. They see that less heartbreak is easier and I agree to some extent. I however suppose that being crushed to a point that is unbearable is perhaps better than never at all. I think that falling in love over and over is a part of life. It sucks, it's hard and it can break you like you have never been broken. but I also believe in opposition. I believe that in order to experience GREAT LOVE you have to first experience GREAT HEARTACHE !! ... I truly believe that had I not gone through the many heartbreaks then there would be no room in my heart to truly love the man that I will someday love. I think falling in love and loosing love is a process of stretching your heart out like a pair of shoes. The more stretching the more room for a stronger, deeper, bigger more amazing love than those who never get burned before settling down. To my broken hearted friend I want to say to hold on. Some day you will find a love that will not only fill the hole in your heart but will stretch it far beyond and you will feel more for that person than you do now feel from the one who has gotten away from you.
I read this quote today (below).. I think it applies to all things in life not just love, just like with the song standing outside the fire. For me I dare to stand in the middle of the fire for love, friendship, work, school all things that matter I take risks and I believe I'm a better person for it:-)
"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. you just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back."
-unknown
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