What I learned today!!

a little patience!

I am going to be very genneral here because I am trying not to make waves or breeth my sigh of relif too heavily and end up blowing the flame out. As Gods little Christmas gift to me he has taught me a valuable lesson. I thought that I had lost something actually someone... a really good friend. and I hated the idea of that. Today that person came back to me... in a sense and well... I'm just so happy! ... I guess with Gods will ... and a little patience .. everything has it's way of working out!...

I have also learned patience in my day to day life is needed more. I am a bit of a hot head. I get mad or act with out really thinking it through. just thinking about my hurt or my feelings of fairness that I lose sight of whats important. I need to be more open hearted and have more love. I'm ready to go face the world with my new attitude! I just pray that I can hold on to this lesson and grow!

xo
Juls

PS- I want to leave with a poem...

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

-- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.

-Elizabeth Bishop



In the movie "In Her Shoes" she reads this poem and says it's not about losing a guy or someone you are in a relationship with its about losing more. Its about losing a friend. I have lost too many good friends in my day very very different reasons. I have even written of some I believe but those of you who have ever lost and then found a really good friend you know exactlly what I mean!

Bobby is my man!

Don't Worry!!

All is well and I am happy!! I just realized how emo my last post was! I'm not emo just fyi! here is my new song!

Please Remember Me

You know it's been almost 3 weeks since I last talked to him. And while I feel still very much like the song in my last post I heard this one today and it touched me deeply. It's called Please Remember Me

Since no one actually reads my blog I don't mind spilling out my guts! I act all cool and tough around my friends.. I think mostly cause they all have enough on their plates with out me needing to spill out my nonsense on them. Especially becuase there is nothing they can do. but since I don't have anyone to just moan and groan to ... I'll moan and groan to this empty piece of cyber space!

The thing is... I miss him like crazy. I miss his funny flirty texts. I miss his smile. I miss our funny inside jokes. I hate that it had to be so complicated. I hate that he didn't love me enough to get rid of all the complications. but most of all I hate the idea that all the time we spend together and all the treasured memories are going to be forgotten by him. I hate to think that the time we spent together.. the perfect little dates when we would go to the movies and I would wear a skirt and shave my legs to insure he would rub on them and the day we went to the lake in the middle of who knows where and he held me with my legs around his waist as we spent hours just talking. I really will miss the talks and most recently when we went to the concert at the Buda bull riding fair and first when we were watching bull riding and he (causes he's liek 2 feet taller than me) stood behind me with his arms on the poles on both sides of me. and then while waiting for the concert he layed on the ground outside on the grass and pulled me onto his chest to lay down... sigh... I remember being in that minuet and not being able to think of a problem in the world. I didn't care about all the drama or anything at all.

Where am I going with all this? I'm sad. not all the time just when I hear a song like this that can bring me down. Just when think about how i will feel if he ever forgot about all this. One time before we were stopping talking and in an email to me he said " If its any consolation, even though you made me mad alot im still glad I got to meet you. You have an interesting personality and I think you're a sexy little woman, I just wish we could have gotten along better. I do appreciate the things you did for me, especially being the first person to really speak to me. You helped me break out of my shell a little and i'll always be grateful for that." I have to wonder if he really meant that. He sent it four years ago so I doubt it.

Anyway... I think I'm moving forward and I need to stop blogging about my past. Stephen If you ever stumble on thins blog I want you to know that I love you I didn't mean when I said I don't and I really wish you the best in life! I hope you check back in with me someday in the future so I can see how you are doing!!!

Okay I'm done... to end my rant I'm torn between these two songs: I'm movin on and Goodbye my lover

either way... kinda the same point! goodbye Fernando! let the numbness return! :-/