Clean finishes, Clean starts

I am in a sewing class at the International Academy of Design here in San Antonio. I was sewing today and kept  getting so annoyed at the stupid thread that kept coming out of my machine every time I started to sew something new. Now I have been sewing for awhile, I grew up sewing, so I should know better but I was being sloppy and when I finished sewing something I was sorta just running off the edge instead of having a clean stop. This was making the thread get stuck up under the machine and so when I would go to sew another piece the thread would pull right out.

What does this have to do with anything you ask? Well, I read in a book recently about how a new relationships success can be solely based on the success of the end of the previous relationship. When you end a relationship in a state of distrust or true heartbreak, among other things,  it will reflect in your next relationship. 

I haven't written in this blog in over a year, why? I really can't say, Maybe it's because I was ashamed of the fact that I did actually break down and text Stephen and he actually ignored my previous wishes and text me back. How could I face my non-existent blog-reading audience knowing that I was nothing more than a weak little sissy? I wanted so much to be over him. I wasn't. I wanted to get over the entire situation. I didn't . Here is the thing, I love that man. Why? I haven't a clue but never-the-less I do.

That being said, In December I ended it for real. I text him and said "why are we friends?" and basically got him to admit that it was more or less just a flirting, ego boosting type of thing. I told him that I don't think that's good for either of us. I don't know why, I think I meant it at the time. Maybe I still do. I know that I can't be just his friend and I know that he is now with someone else who I'm pretty sure makes him happy, so it really doesn't matter does it. So where am I going with all this? that's a good question, I don't really know.

I guess here is my point. 6 months ago things ended for good, but as I was doing so, I let the thread get caught in my machine. I tried to be more careful but It wasn't good. and the last word he said to me was "whatever". I was sloppy. It shouldn't of been done over text. I should of done it in person. It should of been done with a hug. I tried to be nice but he was so mad. Even though Stephen and I were never technically "bf/gf"  I still carry with me a whole new set of baggage.

I need to start threading my machine right. It's time to be patient and learn and not act like I know what I'm doing. It's time to take care and take these things seriously. I need to start threading my machine properly because I have had to start over too many times. I have messed up many relationships (The Stephen thing is just one example) When will I learn to just take my time and take the steps I need to take?

Angie, Rolling Stones

Margaret's Garden

Don't look back

I had a very interesting conversation with an old friend last night about leaving the past where it belongs. I truly believe in not picking at old scabs.. it prevents them from healing properly... and leaves scars... So as I set out to face my day today... I can't help but recall Lots wife in Genesis 19 ... The Lord had Lot leave the city... he makes it clear that they must go far outside the city, he also tells them to not look back.

I have a friend that was hard core into doing drugs... She got pregnant and quit. I was very proud of her but her problem became that she stayed right outside the city walls. She didn't run as far away as she could. She stayed friends with her old drug dealing friends and eventually found herself using again. If they would of dwelt close to the city it may be tempting to run back in the middle of the destruction because you would want to save your friends.. Or because everything you knew was no longer there.

Then we have the example of looking back. Lots wife is one of my favorite lessons. I can't tell you the number of times I have left something in my life yet looked back... It has lead to personal destruction too many times... I have recently decided to bury a sword in the earth (read like 3 blogs ago) and I know looking bhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifack will only make me regret my choice so I move forward. For the first time I'm able to actually get over something with out needing closure or with out picking at every corner of the scab.

To my friend, I think that there is a lot of things that we could pick at but it will never resolve a thing. I have adapted my never look back attitude and I hope you will join me.

I have included a song, as always ... look up the lyrics if you can't understand what they are saying the recording is kinda old!
Don't look back by Boston

Tetris

When was the last time u played tetris ? Do.u remeber how it starts out slow as u lay each piece perfectly intersected with the others? U lay them all perfectly so you.can slide that long 5 block one in and bang!! You got a tetris! !! Good job and on to the next level ... in level two the pretty new background isn't the only thing changing... the pace is a little faster u find u make a mistake or.maybe two but with careful planning u and you recover ans maybe make another tetris or two or maybe u have to fight for those points one line at a time but,  u earn them and eventually u get to the next level... this continues... faster and faster... fewer and fewer tetrisis... you start forgetting about getting tetrisis and about the top of the screen that taunts u with the notion that this pile of unorginized blocks will eventually reach the top and the game will be over... all u will have left is the score on the side and the knowlege of the many levels u were able to pass off...

LIFE IS LIKE TETRIS!!

We start out with a clean slate.... and one problem or issue or circumstance drops down... you move it to the side and, it looks good there... then the next one comes... and u know just where to put it too... just how to handle it so that u will have room to handle ur bigger issues or trials etc... soon you have advanced to a new level be it at work or mentally, spirtually .. maybe even physically... maybe u think ur done.. you've won!! But no ... this new level ur on is even more challenging than before... and sure ur experience with the first level helps u know better how to.handle ur new level but that doesn't solve the fact that u long for that easier stage. Back when u had few problems and they fell so slow u almost got bored waiting for them... but anyone with even a partly pleasent attitude likes this new challege to better their score and therefore we press forward..

But as u notice the tiles fall faster and faster panic mode starts to set in... u start to stress more and more about where ur putting ur tiles, leading to bad placement after bad placement because ur more worried about what the next tile will be than how to deal with the tile u have. The game is no longer fun... and the drop in how many points ur gaining is obvious... another thing to stress u out.... then before u know it ... ur game is over.... all u have left of ur life is an unorginized stack of problems that were never delt with properly and memories of a time when u knew exactly how to handle life.

No matter what we do we will soon all face a mad dash of stress to try to get our tiles strait... we will all long for those simpler stages in life.... the difference in game over and moving on to the championship rounds is in whos in control of ur game.

When we are behind the controls all the time then we will definetly stress out and panic when time comes.... but when u have delt poorly with a situation, causing u to mess ur game up, hand ur controls over to the Lord and let him help u ... you will be at peace... and as u let him help with the small issues u will feel more confident in his ability to help when tiles are poping down faster than u are able to deal with.

I know the Lord loves us so much that he quickly ended his game of tetris in order to rush to our side and help us with ours... Father and Jesus believe in us... they believe we can pass all levels of life with their help. So next time ur stuck on a tricky level call on the lord he will help you be a winner every time.

The Story

My entire life I have gathered stories.. I think we all have... the difference being that four all of my young adulthood gathering stories was my main objective. I took any oppertunity I came upon ... College.. check... 63 jobs ... check... moved countless times aroud the country ... check... I have done it all ... The only things I think I haven't done has been those that I didn't want to do .. or didn't have the money to do. I thought that was how to live life. Planning, and standing idolly by was for smucks... (I still think that to an extent) ... I didn't have any goals but to do everything and see everything... Then I got older and older ... I had this life full of amazing stories but the glazed over look in in my semi-close friends eyes show me that they don't really care and my really close friends already know all my stories cause they were there to be my accompises in most cases.

Then I got even older and now I feel like I am losing my stories... they don't matter to anyone except when I talk to my old best friends who relive them with me. Its sad to me that most people have no idea who I was 5 or 6 years ago. I feel like somewhere along the way I have lost my self.

I guess the song by Brandi Carlile says it best


All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to

Break up with the World

Okay so... When I was in Utah I bought this Fireside on tape... It's called Break up With the World. Of course I knew it would be talking about worldliness and etc but it was really cute in the way the dude approached it. By the way the Guy's name is Hank Smith and you can buy the CD at Segull book (they have it for the cheapest) ... and just to make it easy for u cause it's sooooo good and I want everyone to have a copy just click here and it will take u to check out.

In the Fireside he talks about this girl who was in a class he taught. She knew she had something she needed to break up with that was poison in her life. It happened to be a tv show she was obsessed with. So she eventually decided to give it up and so she went home and talked to the show... She said "you have been a good show. We have had some good and bad times, but I have to break up with you... " And she turned it off and never went back.

Then two nights ago, for my birthday, We all went out to eat and one of my friends were talking about her therapy techniques. She was talking about this empty chair technique where they put someone in an empty chair (ie a father who abused a girl but is dead so she can't confront him) and make the person talk to that imaginary thing. I think that breaking up with both Human beings and objects can work if you just say it out loud. So I tried it... "Dr. Pepper" I said out loud... " I love you, You have been my up when I was down and m crutch when I couldn't keep my eyes open... You have outwardly been a foul weather friend... but inside you are tearing me apart. You are very bad for me and my body, you make me fat, you make me bloat, and are very possibly giving me an Ulster.. we have to break up Dr. Pepper"

Once I did this I wanted to break up with more things. All the things in my life that are poison. This includes a certain guy friend. I had to end out friendship because he is the biggest thing in my life that drives the spirit away from me the fastest. I have to walk away but not only end it but I knew this time I had to be like Helemens army and bury this sword deep in the earth so I cant just pull it out again when I want a date to the dance or someone to go to the fireman's festival in Buda with, Someone to listen to music laying down cuddling under the stars with... I have ended this relationship too many times in the past and I knew it was time to do the final goodbye and that it had to be a much bigger gesture than telling him I'm done. In the past all it takes is a text of sorry and we were back to square one.

So this time, I dropped the bomb... I first texted him and said we are done, blah blah blah ... and that if I get weak and try to text him to please not text me back. (he's pretty good about listening to my instructions so I'm pretty confident that will do the trick but in case not I black listed him from my phone and I called my phone company and blocked his number.

This is the only way I know how to completely bury that sword in the earth. I need to move on and let this stuff just be my past. plus no dude is gonna wanna get in the Julie business with all this luggage I carry. SO now I'm free and clear.. I think there are just a few more things I need to break up with but its gonna take some time...

I challenge you all, esp. if ur not gonna listen to the fireside, to take time and break up with ( and do it like a real break up) the things you need to leave out of ur life. I feel so much better now a days!

Here is a song that I am dedicating to all the things I am breaking up with..

Katharine Mcphee- Over it

Power without end

Watch "Jesus Christ - His Hands" on YouTube

So.this is going to.be a short post due to the fact.that im blotting on my phone at a bus stop in the rain. I just wanted to tell a story real.quick. so.... yesterday (because.im poor) I.went to donate plasma. Now I.being julie, thinking im all knowing, indestructable and powerful, didn't eat anything first. It was only 9 when I went so I.thought.id be fine but.I.didn't actually start.donating till around one due to.it being my first time. So.... about 30 minuets into.the plasma donation I started to.get sick. My face ran white my body tempature was very hi I couldn't keep my eyes open. I lost all feeling in my left arm... I called out for.a nurse and within seconds a team if nurses and two doctors were at my side.... did u eat today they kept asking... I was barley able to.respond.  "try to.keep.ur.eyes open" one nurse kept saying. I was compleetly out of it I had lost all the strength in my body with in a few moments. The doctor hooked me up to.an iv to help my.blood rebuild.(or whatever u call.it) and with in a few minuets I was back to the same old julie. As the doctor walked me out I.was appologizing and he said "its okay this is what.happens when u lose a lot of blood"

It didn't occur to me in the.moment and intact.it didn't occur.to.me.til.a few moments ago what a great gift that glimpse was for me. I got to really feel what it is like to loose your blood.

Im not saying my experience even blinks in the same direction as the.saviors but what I am saving is ... in that moment I had only lost a small snout of blood in.comparison to what the savior lost. I was lythargic and could barley speak. I couldn't keep my eyes open or hold up.my hand.... the savior bleed at every pore and not only did that not kill him but he had the stength to.remain alive.those next days to.be.tortured.and ridiculed and was forced to carry his.cross upon his shoulders.... he didn't get.an iv or.food or.drink (with the exception of vinegar) but his strength was ever so impressive. He is our savior and king... the one man strong enough to withstand all that and the.time.upon the cross.... I am even more apprecitive.of his strength for us and the atonement today.